Did I Actually Just see That?

Two years ago, as part of my "Secret Santa" at work, a co-worker who knows me all too well gave me a DVD of the movie Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. As you can see from the picture (and the embedded clips below), I am not making this up. Needless to say, I did not watch it, but put it in my collection in the hopes that no one would notice it was there. Of course, like the undead, it wouldn't stay buried forever. So tonight, as part of My Dear D's birthday celebrations, we watched Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter and were thoroughly entertained by its total awfulness.

After an intro featuring the Rasputin-ish "Ivan Freud" standing in amidst what looks like a marijuana grove, the real 'movie' starts. I'll try and make sense of it's plot for you. Vampires have become impervious to sunlight (we later find out this is because of skin-grafts from a mad scientist/doctor/looney) and are now feeding on Ottawa's LGBT community. Well, mostly lesbians, just so the filmmakers could include shots of lesbian kissing. The vampires think this is the perfect group to target since "they are deviants and won't be missed." Of course, nothing pisses Jesus off more than vampires killing lesbians, so He returns in the form Canadian "actor" Phil Caracas. After his first encounter with the vampires at a lake (featuring a mohawked-priest who blesses the lake so Jesus can throw the vampires in it), He gets a shave, haircut and a #8-gauge ear piercing. Who wouldn't? Then there's a big musical number with the citizens of Ottawa, featuring go-go girls and a skateboard (my hand to God).

Not long after moving into an apartment above a church, Jesus meets Mary Magnum, a pleather-wearing vampire hunter who takes him to a second-hand store for less conspicuous looking clothes. Oh, yeah - first, Jesus stops at a local hardware store to buy firewood to carve into stakes (I only wish I was making this up). Of course, this is right after Jesus has an encounter with a group of atheists in the world's first Clown Car Jeep in one the most pathetically choreographed fight scenes, ever:

Apparently, the head atheist had a coconut in his belly!

It goes on in much the same way, filled with horrendously ridiculous "special effects" (we particularly liked the medical tubing "veins" and panty-hose "intestines"). Jesus takes a terrible beating by the vampires at Dr. Preatorious' clinic and is rescued by a hairy transvestite Good Samaritan who is never seen again. Eventually, Jesus hooks up with Mexican wrestling star Santos and the weirdly silent Gloria Oddbottom (a woman whose gigantic ass is groped at every opportunity - even by Jesus) to battle the vampires in a junkyard, while simultaneously fighting the lumpy Dr. Preatorious at his clinic. But Jesus, being merciful, heals the vampires and sends Santos back to Mexico with his new bi-sexual ex-vampire girlfriend. WTF?!!!

If you've never seen Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, I wouldn't recommend that you do - unless you're really in the mood to laugh at some pathetic acting, ridiculous dialog ("You're all up in the Kool-Aid and you don't even know what flavor it is") and the worst special effects that $40k Canadian can buy (in 2001, that was about $6.57 U.S.). I know that director Lee Demarbre and writer Ian Driscoll (who also plays a vampire named "Johny Golgotha") were trying to make a comedy. Sadly, Jesus Christ Vampire Slayer is funny for all the wrong reasons. Could Demarbre be the Canadian Ed Wood?

The best part of the movie? Probably it's haunting theme song: "Everyone Gets Laid Tonight." That, and the fact not one character is surprised or intimidated by the fact that Jesus has returned to Earth. "Body of Christ," indeed.

More, anon.
Prospero

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