Clash of the Trite Ones

That's flavor-of-the-month Sam Worthington, late of Avatar in his next blockbuster role as Perseus in the upcoming remake of Clash of the Titans.

Your Uncle P is (sadly) old enough to have seen the original 1981 Desmond Davis version on the big screen. I saw it with my sister and we were both very excited. We grew up on movies featuring the amazing stop-motion special effects of the master, Ray Harryhausen. The movie starred a little-known stage actor named Harry Hamlin as Perseus and a slew of former A-listers which included Maggie Smith, Claire Bloom, Ursula Andress and Burgess Meredith. It also starred the incomparable Laurence Olivier at what is assuredly the nadir of his long and illustrious career.

Much like Disney's animated Hercules, the story is a total bastardization of the Greek mythology. In this version, Perseus must rescue the princess Andromeda from the clutches of the evil Calibos, assisted by the mechanical owl, Bubo (a lame attempt to attract kids who loved the the chirping, whistling droid R2D2 from Star Wars). Perseus tames the wild, winged horse Pegasus; battles the snake-headed Medusa and even fights a Kraken (a beast from Norse mythology!). The script, by Beverly Cross (Jason and the Argonauts) is ridiculous (why would one impose Norse mythology on a movie about Greek mythology?); the acting is laughable and the special effects? Well... let's just say they're not-so-special. Yet, somehow, it's become a classic. I suspect it's because most of the people who love it were children when they saw it and their memories of it probably don't live up to the actual thing. I was 20 when it came out and my sister was 14. Both of us immediately saw through its nonsense and declared it "Clash of the Trite Ones," a name we still use for the movie. See for yourself:

Hamlin was almost pretty then, wasn't he?

Of course, Hollywood, being the unimaginative pit of crap it's become in the last 30 years, felt the need to remake this steaming pile of cinematic excrement, using modern CGI and 3D. This time, Worthington takes on the role of Perseus, and a whole new cast of former A-listers are on hand, including Ralph Fiennes; Liam Neesom; Pete Postlethwaite and my current favorite vampire, Danny Huston.

Bigger and louder, though I fear equally as stupid, Clash of the Titans is due for release in IMAX 3D on April 2nd, despite what that trailer says. Will I see it? Probably. I've always been a sucker for Sword & Sandal & Sorcery epics. And I have two Re-Admit passes from Avatar being snowed out. Though I doubt I will like it any better than the original. Maybe someday someone will make a movie that's actually true to the old mythological tales. I suppose someone other than myself must own a copy of Bulfinch's Mythology. But I'm not holding my breath...

More, anon.
Prospero

You have read this article Avatar / Bad / Clash of the Titans / Movies / Mythology / Remakes / Sam Worthington / Trailers with the title Avatar. You can bookmark this page URL http://tammycross.blogspot.com/2010/03/clash-of-trite-ones.html. Thanks!

The Funniest Thing You'll See This Week

Okay, I lied. But I honestly forgot the Academy Award nominations were announced today until I got to work and read it on CNN. So of course, I had to comment, briefly.

The only real surprise for me was the nomination of Up in both the Best Picture and the Best Animated Feature categories, something that might actually backfire and cause Pixar to lose for the first time, ever, leaving Wes Anderson and Henry Selig to battle it out between Fantastic Mr. Fox and Coraline. In fairness, have yet to see Fox, but I adored Coraline. I'll withhold judgment until I've seen it, hopefully before March.

And, no surprise, but still much to my chagrin, Avatar was nominated for Best Picture and Director. The more time that passes since I've seen that movie, the more I realize how manipulative and cheesy James Cameron's plot was and the angrier I get that audiences don't realize it. So, in response to the movie's nomination, I am posting the review I wish I'd written. From the hilarious Plinkett at Red Letter Media (the same mad genius behind this brilliantly funny review of The Phantom Menace), comes this viciously hysterical (and NSFW language-laden) 2-part review of Avatar (via Sci-Fi blog i09 and my cubicle neighbor, Sue*):

There's a special seat in hell for you, James Cameron... I officially take back a star from my original review. So there!

*And yes, Sue has a terrific sense of humor. At least... I hope she does...

More infantile churlishness, anon.
Prospero

You have read this article Avatar / James Cameron / Movies / Oscars / Pixar / Reviews / sci-Fi / The Funniest Thing with the title Avatar. You can bookmark this page URL http://tammycross.blogspot.com/2010/02/the-funniest-thing-you-see-this-week.html. Thanks!

The Gayest and Most Insane Things You'll See This Week

Okay - I'm just not quite sure what to say about this picture. That's Adam Lambert as a Na'vi from James Cameron's overblown and over-loved Avatar, quite possibly the single most overrated film (with the possible exceptions of Titanic and Paranormal Activity), ever made.

Now, I know there are both Adam and Avatar fans out there who will no doubt find this image sexy, hot, intriguing and/or breathtaking. Sorry, but I'm not buying it.

First of all, not a single Na'vi in the film had a hairy chest. Second, there were no overtly gay characters in the movie (one of its - IMHO - many flaws). Third, why are we still obsessing over Adam Lambert? Granted, my posting of this image doesn't help matters, but it's the context in which it is used that counts. And in this context, I can only call it as I see it: Lame.

As if Lambert doesn't already have enough over-exposure, why should he subject us to this nonsense? The photo appears via Towleroad, which credits Lambert's Twitter account for the picture. While Lambert may been of the most flamboyant "Idol" contestant of all time, he is hardly the most talented (Carrie Underwood, anyone?) or hardly the first gay contestant. And I suspect his "Is He or Isn't He?" rouse during the competition was all part of the grand scheme in making him a "star." When it comes down to brass tacks, Lambert is hardly the most talented gay celebrity to make a mark. But enough of him and that nonsense.

In insane movie news, here's the subtitled trailer (via) for the latest insane horror moie to come out of Japan, House, a 1977 film which is finally being released on DVD in the U.S. (which has nothing to do with the 1986 Steve Miner film of the same name):

So much for the J-Horror" revolution of the '90's. Honestly, I've seen better special effects on an episode of "H.R. Puffenstuff." Of course, I still need to see it. Perhaps someday on a double bill with Vampire Girl Vs. Frankenstein Girl:

More nonsense, anon.
Prospero

You have read this article Adam Lambert / Avatar / Gay / Japanese Horror / Ramblings / The Gayest Thing / Trailers with the title Avatar. You can bookmark this page URL http://tammycross.blogspot.com/2010/01/the-gayest-and-most-insane-things-you.html. Thanks!

Review: "Avatar"

I'm not exeactly sure what I want to say about this movie. Last weekend's major snow storm kept me from seeing it when I had planned, and then it was last minute shopping and the holiday and gifting and eating and more eating...

Anyway, every review in the world is in, so I won't bore you with a summary of the plot (not that there's much of one, anyway), most of which Cameron seems to have written by assembling scenes and ideas from other movies (not just his own, either) like a jigsaw puzzle that fits together in different ways. There used to actually be a plot-tree, from which writers would chose various elements and weave them into a script, and Avatar comes as close to that as any movie I can remember seeing. What I will do is some picking away at it, later.

But let's address the thing everyone is talking about: Avatar's astounding visuals and the 3D. Yes, it is an astonishing film to look at, but at 162 minutes in length, one's eyes begin to get tired (or at least mine did) about 2/3 of the way through. I didn't get the headache or the nausea some have reported (though I never do), but eye fatigue was definitely an issue for your Uncle Prospero's aging eyes... sigh. That having been said, every penny is on the screen; gorgeously rendered colors and imaginative flora and fauna are painstakingly placed just so and the movie certainly looks like no other you've ever seen. And yes, the 3D is the best you've ever seen, but it is (thankfully) never used gratuitously or for a cheap shock.

The mostly excellent cast's talents are completely wasted on a beautiful, but ultimately unoriginal film. Sam Worthington is fine as the Na'vi born in a human body, destined -underdog-warrior-hero and Sigourney Weaver is... well, Sigourney Weaver. In completely motion-capture performances, I suppose Zoe Saldana, CCH Pounder, Wes Studi and Laz Alonso do good jobs pretending to be 9' tall blue cat-people who overtly represent oppressed indigenous peoples of our own species. But how does one know how said sexy blue cat-people behave? But we've all seen Pocahontas, so we know how imposed-upon indigenous people behave - OK, we're making a Space Western, here. from the Native Americans' POV. Hey, we can even call them the Na'vi so people will get that they're the natives. I get it now. Hmm... Wait, didn't Kevin Costner do that like 20 years ago? Oh, it's a Marines Vs Aliens war in space flick? Like Starship Troopers but less ironic? So, Aliens from the xenomorphs' POV? That's so original James. It's going to change movies forev... oh ,who am I kidding?

Anyway, back to the performances. As the power-mad C.O. (last seen as Michael Biehn in The Abyss) Stephen Lang is the ultimate Muscle Daddy top with a penis so tiny he has to smash everything in sight, while Giovanni Ribisi plays the corporate weasel last seen as Paul Reiser in Aliens. As for Sigourney's character, Grace Augustine is a renowned xeno-botanist. That means she studies alien plant-life. Indeed, she's fascinated by the symbiotically connected trees of Pandora. Why then, was she chosen to head-up a diplomatic program involving the genetic engineering of biological avatars controlled by human drivers? Oh, that's right. She's a BOTANIST! Everyone knows what great Diplomatic Genetic Engineers botanists make. Oh, and there's Michelle Rodriguez as the empowered Latina pilot with a conscience, last seen as Jenette Goldstein's Vasquez in Aliens.

And how about the Na'vi and their intimate relationship with Pandora's fauna? The Na'vi all have these braids, at the end of which are these wriggly scillia, capable of neuro-interfacing with, not only other animal species but trees, as well. Oh, that's right. Everything is literally connected (ew) to the Mother-Planet-Gaea-New-Age-Tree-Deity who will die if the Na'vi don't protect Her.

Oh, and there are these mountains that float. Yes, that's right. There's no logical explanation for why they do so, but they do. It's an anomaly. So that's how we'll explain it. It's a gravitational anomaly which somehow manages to knock out basic radio transmission and navigational equipment. It's Pandora's Bermuda Triangle. Yeah, that's the ticket!

So, now that we have this pastiche plot, let's throw in some pastiche imagery that references Aliens; King Kong; The Terminator; Stargate; Flash Gordon; Harry Potter; Star Wars; Little Big Man; Braveheart; Return of the Jedi; Jurassic Park and countless other films that have come before. Hell - let's give 'em a 9/11 reference just to to drive the nails a little bit deeper into the audiences' collective psyches. Sure, it's a whole lot prettier than it's ever been before, but that doesn't mean we haven't already seen this movie dozens of times. Do we care about Jake and Neytiri and the Tree of Souls? I suppose the performances are good enough to overcome the character's cardboard cut-out personalities. Are we surprised by anything that happens? No. And that, ultimately, is the film's tragic flaw. Good triumphs over evil; love conquers all, boy meets, gets, loses and gets girl again; a lost soul finds himself; it's not nice to fool with Mother Nature; those who live by the sword... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... It's like Cameron just tried to see how much crap he could stuff his movie with. Sadly, it's mostly empty calories in that big, pretty, sugary sundae.

Will Avatar actually change movies forever, as the ads are proclaiming? I doubt it. As revolutionary as its effects and cameras are; it's plot is as squeaky as an old leather boot left out in the rain and Cameron's dialogue sounds like it came from a 1947 manual on screenwriting. Happily, Cameron's go-to composer James Horner provides a lush and exciting score, adding depth to the film's admittedly exciting battle sequences.

I'm not saying that Avatar is a bad movie. Far from it. I was entertained the entire time. And seeing it alone allowed me to really let myself become immersed in what Cameron was trying to give the audience. Sadly, as in Titanic, I could not immerse myself enough in the plot to care about anything else but the visuals. Maybe someday Cameron will direct a script written by someone else, and he will make an actually brilliant film.

Yes, you should see Avatar and you should see it in IMAX 3D. Just don't expect the revelatory experience some would have you believe. Expect instead, a rollicking Action/Adventure/Sci-fi film with visions of ecological grandeur.

Dances With Aliens... um, er... uh, I mean Avatar is great for a mindless escape from the stress of the holiday season. It will make a gazillion dollars, though I doubt it will earn Cameron another Oscar for artistic achievement. Derivative, predictable but visually unparalleled, Avatar will hopefully lead to films that can embrace the new technology while maintaining depth, substance and original ideas.

**1/2 (Two and a Half Stars).

More, anon.*
Prospero

*Now with links. Edited 12/28/09

You have read this article Avatar / Movies / Reviews with the title Avatar. You can bookmark this page URL http://tammycross.blogspot.com/2009/12/review_27.html. Thanks!

An Annoying Delay?

Well, it seems that the Nor'easter headed my way tomorrow may very well delay my seeing Avatar until at least Sunday night. They are predicting at least 6 to 10 inches of snow for the Philadelphia area. I live in the Philly suburbs and the closest Imax theater is in New Jersey, about 15 miles away, normally not a big deal at all. In fact, I see most movies at that very theater as the cinemas near my house suck. But with blizzard-like conditions predicted by noon, I seriously doubt that we'll be going. My problem now is figuring out how to get a refund for tickets I already bought. Not to mention the Christmas shopping I MUST finish tomorrow because I'm seeing some folks (my Aunt, in particular) on Sunday. I picked up a few things tonight, but still need one more thing for her and a gift for my friend's daughter by Sunday... sigh.

I know I wasn't all that enthusiastic about this movie before, but now that the reviews are in, I was actually looking forward to seeing it. Oh, well. Here's one more look at the trailer, not in Imax or 3D.



More, anon.
Prospero

You have read this article Avatar / Movies / Snow / Trailers with the title Avatar. You can bookmark this page URL http://tammycross.blogspot.com/2009/12/an-annoying-delay.html. Thanks!

"Let Your Mind Go Blank"

I know I've mentioned Avatar at least once, but I haven't really gotten around to talking about it in any detail.

Mad Jimmy Cameron is at it again, making the most outrageously expensive movie ever made, in the hopes of coming as close as possible to the success of his last most outrageously expensive movie ever made. Can lightning strike twice for the self-proclaimed "King of the World" or have the investors thrown 8 bajillion dollars down le toilette? Let's take a look at it from both sides, shall we?

Pro: Cameron has made some of the best Sci-Fi action movies ever made (Aliens; T2).

Con: Cameron made the worst Best Picture ever made. It may be the all-time box-office champ, but it's sappy and unoriginal plot went on for far too long and suffered from some of the most ridiculous dialog Cameron ever wrote. And to be honest, Uncle Prospero still doesn't get the appeal of creepy Dicaprio (just like I don't get the appeal of creepy Penelope Cruz). They may both be talented actors, but... ick! What, is it me, or is everyone else blind?

Pro: I'm almost ashamed by how much I really like The Abyss, especially the director's cut. Despite it's many flaws, it still has a child-like wonder about it and the early CGI is truly outstanding (though the physical set at the end is still fake-looking).

Con: Despite how much I like The Abyss, it has so very many flaws. Most objectionable (especially for my friend Elizabeth, who despises this movie) is this bit of nonsense (may be NSFW):

Pro: Cameron spent years developing a new kind of 3D camera that is supposed to revolutionize the industry.

Con: Can an audience sit through two and a half hours of intense 3D action without getting headaches or becoming nauseous?

Pro: Sigourney!

Con: Michelle.

Pro: Sam; Zoe; Giovanni; CCH; James.

Con: Aliens that may be too cute for their own good.

Pro: Hmmm.... let's think.... um... Oh, okay! How about this? Visuals that must be astounding in 3D, if the 3D is as good as all that time and money spent should make it.

Con: A not-so-original plot. Human's need to relocate the native inhabitants of another world in order to ravage the planet to mine an exceptionally rare and expensive ore. Of course, the natives fight back. Cameron seems to have borrowed pages from Custer's Last Stand; Apocalypse Now; Total Recall; Flash Gordon and Hello Kitty, thrown them up in the air and then tried to rearrange the whole mess into a movie.

Pro: Jamie Lee Curtis' hilarious performance in True Lies:



Con: Cameron's creepy obsession with the Titanic.

Pro: It's a return to the genre that spawned his career and one at which he usually excels.

I could go on and on, but then I'd just start getting snarky (who, me?). I'm still undecided, but the latest trailer looks a bit better than the first one did. I'll certainly see it, - in fact, I'll be sending the emails to the usual suspects later this week -- but I'm just not as excited about it as I think I should be. Hopefully, the movie will change my mind.

What do you think? Are you planning on seeing Avatar? Let me know your thoughts.

More, anon.
Prospero

You have read this article Avatar / James Cameron / Movies / sci-Fi / Titanic / Trailers with the title Avatar. You can bookmark this page URL http://tammycross.blogspot.com/2009/11/your-mind-go-blank.html. Thanks!