Werewolves Are NOT the New Zombies

Tyler Hoechlin of MTV's "Teen Wolf"

In the pantheon of Horror archetypes,Werewolf used to rank just below Vampire. Since a little black and white horror movie in 1968, werewolves have been knocked down a peg or two. Obviously, all three are insanely popular in genre TV. MTV's "Teen Wolf" (which I gave up on last season) and SyFy's "Being Human" and their new series "Bitten" prove that. They have been less successful on the big screen, of late. I don't know anyone who actually likes the Underworld movies and don't understand why they keep getting made and Benicio Del Toro's 2010 effort to reinvigorate yet another Universal Monsters franchise (The Wolfman) failed miserably and season one of producer/director Eli Roth's "Hemlock Grove" for Netflicks was a total bore. 

Personally, I can name only two werewolf movies in the last 30 years that were actually up to snuff. The first is director Joe Dante's (Mad Max; Gremlins) almost brilliantly realized 1981 version of Gary Brandner's novel The Howling. Featuring the first real physical werewolf transformation on film (thanks to Rob Bottin) and a very funny script by John Sayles, the movie ultimately fails when Dee Wallace (as a TV reporter) has an on-camera transformation, resulting in something that looks more like an over-sized Pekingese than a vicious killer.

Of course, probably the best werewolf movie ever made is John Landis' An American Werewolf in London. Scary, funny and romantic, Landis' movie set a bar which has yet to be met.

Runners up: Neil Jordan's very dark re-telling of 'Little Red Riding Hood,' The Company of Wolves and Christoph Gans' 2001 Brotherhood of the Wolf. 

Unfortunately, despite the presence of the eye-candy that is Jason Momoa, the upcoming French-made Wolves doesn't look likely to bring the subgenre back.

Personally... Cats are way scarier (and sexier):



More, anon.
Prospero

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Get a Kluwe

A Man Whose Hand I'd Like to Shake - Chris Kluwe

One of my personal sports heroes has struck again. Writing for The Guardian, former NFL Kicker and staunch LGBT ally Chris Kluwe implores Olympians attending the 2014 Winter Games to be outspoken advocates for civil rights. 

Personally, I'd like to say that I agree with Mr. Kluwe. "We're Here! We're Queer! Get Used to Us!" has just as much meaning today as it has throughout the LGBT Rights movement. And while the fact that straight athletes like Kluwe; Brendon Ayanbedejo and Ben Cohen have lent their voices to the cause does a world of good, there are still so many unenlightened and superstitious asshats out there. Yes, the ignorant and therefore, scared seem to be slowly but surely dying out. Straight people my age (my friends already agree and my regular readers have figured that out, long ago) and younger, know how ridiculous it is to be so stupid and backward. Of course, lots of people my parents' ages have long ago agreed, but weren't able to do so publicly, until recent events have proven them to be on the right side of history.

Still... were I a gay athlete participating in the Sochi Olympics or a gay friend and/or family member of a gay and/or straight Olympian, I would completely understand your reluctance to speak out. I may not like it (visibility is our strongest asset), but I would respect your decision to remain silent. 

You can read Kluwe's piece here (via).

And just to keep things weird, here's some Olympic Nonsense:

Zombie-lympics?



It's somehow comforting to know that Rednecks are Universal:



Hmmmm... Does that make Yakov Smirnoff the Russian Jeff Foxworthy? The mind boggles.

More, anon.
Prospero

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Channeling Bruce

I can't believe that I haven't written about this season's version of "American Horror Story: Coven" before now. Because holy hot hell, this show is on fire (literally) this season. 

I suppose because they are the most visible, I should start by talking about the cast. I don't know a director who wouldn't gladly give up a yank of hair or a few drops of blood to work with any and all of the amazing actors who've ever been a part of this show, but this cast in particular is... well, a director's wet dream. 

First off, there's the returning ensemble, headed by the astonishing Jessica Lange as the 'Supreme' Salem witch, Fiona and last season's star, Sarah Paulson as her daughter, Cordelia. Season one's burn victim (the highly underrated character actor Denis O'Hare) is back, this time as a cross-dressing, tongueless, necrophiliac version of Riff-Raff along with Taissa Farmiga as Zoe, the obvious 'Supreme-in-Waiting;' Lily Rabe as the Stevie Nicks-obsessed healer Misty; Jamie Brewer as a telepath with Downs; Evan Peters as the Teenage Frankenstein Frat Boy with rage issues and the glorious Frances Conroy in crazy flowing costumes, cat's eye spectacles and a crimped-to-death ginger fright-wig, as Fiona's mortal enemy Myrtle. 

As if that wasn't enough, add Academy Award winner Kathy Bates as the most vile woman in the history of New Orleans who has been cursed with eternal life by Voodoo Queen Marie Laveau (Angela Bassett!); Academy Award nominee Gabourey Sidibe as a 'Human Voodoo Doll;' Emma Roberts as a Pyrokenetic; gay imp Leslie Jordan as a member of the coven's High Council and Patti Freakin' Lupone as the holier-than-thou Uber-Christian new neighbor... Every director in Hollywood should be pounding on Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuck's door, begging on their knees and offering up blood sacrifices to direct an episode of this show.

Of course, the best cast and director in the world mean little if the writing isn't up to snuff. Season One was daring and amazing and creepy and sexy and fairly linear, with glimpses into the past to fill in the gaps while maintaining a fairly singular plot. Season two, on the other hand -- while still amazing -- was a bit all over the place, taking on too many subjects for one story. There was alien abduction; sadistic nuns; demonic possession; Nazi experiments; lesbian empowerment and two serial killers!

'Coven' marks a return to the more focused story line of season one, this time telling the story of an old rivalry between witches forced to move south from Salem and the Voodoo witches who followed, soon after. Fiona is the headmistress of a witch boarding school, run in her long absence by Cordelia. When Zoe (Farmiga) is brought to the school after killing her boyfriend with sex, Fiona returns and all sorts of hell breaks loose. This season's writing team has just amped it up again, giving these incredible actors some powerful scenes and unironic (unless it needs to be) genre dialog.

Which brings me to why this post is titled "Channeling Bruce."  

SPOILERS AHEAD 

Last week's Halloween episode ended with Cordelia having acid thrown in her eyes at a bar while the school was surrounded by zombies raised by Marie in revenge for the death of the minotaur Bastian.  This week, while Fiona waited at the hospital for word on Cordelia, Zoe stepped up and took control at the school. And as Fiona was wandering the hospital and resurrecting a dead child for another grieving mother, Zoe took up a chainsaw and went nuts on the zombies, channeling Bruce Campbell in his most gloriously blood-covered glee and all I could think was "Zoe went Ash on AHS!" Too much?

Holy crap, I almost forgot about Danny Huston! Keep the brilliance coming, boys! So glad that FX has already announced Season 4!  I can think of a certain East Coast legend they could explore...

If you aren't watching "American Horror Story: Coven," you're missing some truly extraordinary television. Forgive me for repeating myself, but I really want to see what happens when other genres take up AHS' 'repertory' format. And I really can't wait to see what other powerhouse actors show up for Season 4!

More, anon.
Prospero

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Romeo & Julian, an Amazing Juggler and Some Zombies Walk Into a Blog...

No one will better appreciate that title than my sister, I'm sorry to say. She will find it particularly hilarious, in fact. In just the way that many of the things we share as hilarious, are specifically hilarious to the two of us, only (though Q shares our love of and many of the same specific moments from a very popular series of classic short comedies which we all grew up watching on UHF - and no, that's not a channel - shut up, I'm old!).

As you can probably tell from that rather insane intro, Uncle P has had a fairly stressful week, leaving me at less than my usually focused (haha) self. There are several factors working to make me rather scattered (which I won't go into other than to say one is personal and one is artistic) and I have lots of things I want to talk about (For example: Why do I type "talk" when I am obviously writing?) Anyway, trying to retain some semblance of sanity (cue: Nelson Muntz) I suppose I should start in order then, yes? So first up was...

Romeo and Julian, it is. Out in the Dark is a love story about a Palestinian student and an Israeli doctor. Since premiering earlier this year at the Toronto Film Festival, Out in the Dark has since won several other film-fest awards. Daring and controversial? Hardly. Original and groundbreaking? Just the gay version of one of the oldest plots in history. All that having been said, the trailer is pretty amazing and it gives me hope that the film just might have something new to say about the old tropes and stereotypes which have permeated LGBTQ cinema for the past decade. Or not. Or it could just be another bad romantic thriller... What do you think?

I believe an Amazing Juggler was next, was it not? With only 500,000 views since it was first loaded back in 2009, I suspect the below video of juggler Alexander Koblikov is about to explode. I first saw it today on Facebook, but don't remember who posted it (if it was you, let me know). I've always been a fan of Variety and Circus Arts (I had a college acting professor who held his PhD in those very fields) and regular readers certainly know at least one of my obsessions by now. When I shared it on Facebook, a few friends commented on the fact that Koblikov never smiles throughout his admittedly jaw-dropping performance. On further review, it's apparent why he's not smiling: He's demonstrating a skill which he's obviously spent his entire life developing, rather than just 'showing off.' It's a deliberate and justified choice.

Which leaves us with Zombies, Last but certainly never least. Season 4 of the phenomenon that is AMC's "The Walking Dead" is just about 2 weeks away and fans like Uncle P and my sister are jonesing pretty bad. The first clip I'm sharing has been around (I may well have shared it before), but my dear Patrick in Chicago shared it with me today, and it's just hilarious, every time I see it. Drreeet!

This next video is one I hadn't seen before, as well. They are calling it the 'Season 4 Extended Trailer - New Footage" but the Comicon trailer was longer. They should have just said 'New Footage' or 'Trailer 2'

"Things are only going to get worse." Yup.

Shocktober is just a few days away. I won't promise 31 posts in a row this year (though don't be surprised if I try) but if I come up with a really great theme, I just might. And you can help. Leave me a comment with your idea for my Shocktober 2013 Theme.

More, anon.
Prospero

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I. Can't. Wait.

Click Image to Enlarge

FOX's "Sleepy Hollow" was a happy surprise for both myself and many people I know, and while I am looking forward to several other new shows this season there are a few returning favorites that have me absolutely chomping at the bit to see. 

First up is Ryan Murphy's amazingly-creative-and-creepy television experiment's third season which starts on October 9th. "American Horror Story: Coven." is set in both contemporary New Orleans and Historical Salem, exploring yet another Horror trope with what looks like another season of amazing; puzzling; creepy; original and arresting visuals, story lines, characters and performances from a cast that makes me just a little more excited than a man my age should ever get over a TV show. Returning are the astonishing Jessica Lange; Lily Rabe; Francis Conroy; Taissa Farmiga; Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters. And joining them are some powerhouse talents: Angela Bassett; Kathy Bates (!!); Christine Ebersole (!!) Emma Roberts; Danny Houston (!!) and Pattie effng Lupone (!!!!!). Add a war between Good & Evil Witches to the potential for exponential insanity and you have yourself what has so far been one of the best and most provocative genre series, ever.

Here are all seven Season 3 teasers:



And the first Season 3 promo with dialog, "School:"

And I don't think I need to say how much I am anticipating the Season Four premiere of AMC's "The Walking Dead" (the producers of which just announced a spin-off - oh, excuse me: "Companion" series - for 2014). While I will happily admit that Season Three was better than Season Two, neither was as good as the amazing Season One.It seems like the producers are listening to the fans and upped the ante this season. My mother is actually antsy for it's return.

NBC's dark-humored fantasy "Grimm" ended with our beautiful intrepid hero zombified while in the clutches of a voodoo priest. A co-worker whom I truly adore watches because her husband watches and calls it "The Grimm." It's another show Mom surprisingly loves - and I love that she's finally come to appreciate quality genre works. She was a huge "Fringe" and "Lost" fan and I'm so glad she's expanded her horizons. We know Nick is going to escape and recover from whatever Baron Samedi has done to him, but that's hardly the point. It's clever and campy and imaginative with a terrific ensemble cast and usually well-executed (and often hilarious) CGI transformation FX. But like any good show, story is king and the mythology is both well-constructed and unfolding in a way that makes complete sense. But most importantly, "Grimm" never takes itself too seriously, which helps to make it both endearing and interesting.

Outside of Genre shows, I am also looking forward to the return of CBS's Law and Politics drama, "The Good Wife." Another dream cast of exceptionally talented actors and a brilliant writing team make "The Good Wife" so worth DVR'ing. 

There are a few others I'm looking forward to seeing return and at least one or three I don't understand why they are returning at all. There are also lots of new shows this season that I'll write about the next time I write about TV (which will probably be soon).

In the meantime, what shows are you excited to see returning this fall?

More, anon.

Prospero

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8 Sundays

That's right. There are only two months to go before the return of television's most audacious drama "The Walking Dead." Immeasurably better than Season 2, Season 3 ended with the defeat of  the Governor; the death of Andrea (as much as I hated what she had become as a character, I still hated that she went, as well as how. Andrea was once much smarter than that); the death of Lori (happy the idiot is gone, but sad for Rick and the baby); the death and reanimation and destruction (at the hands of his own brother) of Merle and the incorporation of the survivors from Woodbury into the prison. Every single character was tested last season. Not all of them passed.

The teasers and interviews and con panels all promise not only deadlier (faster? hungrier?) Walkers but a new threat that is neither human nor Walker. Huh? I'm guessing the return of bubonic plague. Or cholera. Or maybe the whole thing will turn out to a live-action version of 'Oregon Trail' and they'll all die of dysentery. 

Regular readers know that "The Walking Dead" is one of my Malaprop Mom's favorite shows, hooked when I basically told her she had to watch the pilot when I re-watched it on DVR the next day. This helped open the floodgates, paving the way for "Falling Skies" and "Grimm" (all of which have some very interesting characters who grow and change with the plot lines). 

An acquaintance, who shall remain unnamed and only somewhat shamed, told me thought the failure of World War Z meant the end of the genre. I laughed and pointed toward not only the unprecedented success of "The Walking Dead," but any number of other upcoming zombie projects. World War Z failed for the same reasons most of this summer's movies failed: Lack of story and characters no one cares about. And I've always thought adapting Brooks' rather clinical novel was an exercise in futility. The ravenous flesh-eating 'Romero' zombie will be around as long as horror movies, doing what horror movies do best: remind us of how much worse our lives could be. Oh, glorious schadenfreude! And maybe too, they remind us to not let ourselves go dead inside, something too many people seem to do these days.

Uncle P and more than a few people he knows are all chomping at the bit, counting down to the big chow-down on October 13th. The official trailer (which I'm too lazy to bother checking to see if I've posted it before, so I'm posting it anyway) is pretty intense.

What did Tyreese see? And while Big Spot! may be a thinly disguised version of Big!Lots, I imagine those would probably be among the last stores looted along with any number of dollar stores. And who are all these new former Woodburians? Are the Walkers getting smarter, or just hungrier? Won't the Walkers just eventually rot away? Honestly, I'm just looking for a rousing and exciting season to rival Season 1. Here's a little bit of behind-the-scenes with cast commentary:

More, anon.

Prospero

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The Anti-Bucket List

#3 on My Anti-Bucket List

I didn't tell this story on the blog last night, because I had posted all I thought I had to say about it yesterday on Facebook. But a little distance and a day spent trying to stay out of pain have led me deeper and deeper into the labyrinth until the beast had to be confronted head on.

Late last week, I started to notice a twinge in my lower right back, in the muscle known scientifically as the Internal Abdominal Oblique. It was annoying, but treating it with heat, ice and OTC NSAIDS seemed to be working. Sunday night, I barely registered more than a small twingey reminder or two and I thought I had made it through the worst of it. 

Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling fine and had my shower as usual. I made it back upstairs and sat on the bed to put on my pants. I stood, like I always do, and was instantly struck with pain the likes of which I have never experienced. Honestly. I have had a nasal cauterization and several oral surgeries. I know pain. This was far worse than anything I've ever experienced and I quite literally screamed. If this is half the pain of childbirth, I wouldn't wish it on any woman ever, even my mother!. But it passed quickly and I gingerly made my way downstairs with every intention of going to the Day Job. Once down on ground level, it quickly became apparent that I was in serious trouble. And the idea of folding myself into a car and driving myself for help was patently absurd. 

So, for the fourth time this year, EMTs were called to my house though this time, it was my mother calling them for me. The entire morning was rather surreal and I joked with the EMT's* (who arrived very quickly) - "Well, I can cross this off my bucket list!" They politely laughed and as I was later lying almost flat on my back, dozing and waiting for the drugs the ER nurse had administered to take effect, I realized that an ambulance ride to the hospital should really be on everyone's 'Anti-Bucket List'

I posted a few more things on my Anti-Bucket List and asked my Facebook friends to list theirs. There were quite a few amusing answers and they got me thinking about other things I never need to experience before I die. So here they are:

Uncle P's Anti-Bucket List: (A Work in Progress; Subject to Change at Any Time without Notice)

Ride in an Ambulance
Handcuffed Ride in the Back of a Squad Car
Getting Stabbed in the Shower by a Maniac
Being Bitten By Zombies
Being Trampled in a Stampede
Being Trapped Aboard a Sinking Sealiner
Forced to Watch another High School Production of Grease
Forced to Eat Poutine.
Being Surrounded by Russian Skinheads
Get a Haircut so Bad It Makes Me Cry
Buy a Pair of Crocs
Drink PBR
Associate with Anyone Who Actually Drinks PBR
Give Myself Over to the Cult of The Boy Who Lived.
Wear a Utilikilt
Marry a Woman
Have Gallons of Baked Beans Poured All Over Me
Have Leeches Pulled from My Body (don't click, K!)
Be Struck by Lightning
Be Burned at the Stake
Be Forced to Watch Every Episode of Every 'Real Housewives' Show
Three Words: "Chilled Monkey Brains"

I have a few more, but I realized they are really rather depressing, so I thought it best to leave them out. Luckily, the ER was literally empty at 8:30 AM and I was seen and treated right away. The Attending ER doctor put his finger right on the spot and said "Oh! I can feel it spasm!"  I was given a 10mg Valium (Seriously? Did you not hear me give my height and weight?) and a gluteal injection of a muscle relaxer and two prescriptions, along with instructions to rest with continued heat and ice for three days. This is the end of Day 2 and while I think I feel better, I thought the same last night, as well.

So, are these the kinds of things other people think about while recovering at home, under heavy medication, after a frighteningly intense bout with pain? 

No... It seems right up there with my usual nonsense, if you ask me.

Now I am asking you: What's on your Anti-Bucket List? What thing(s) do you never need to do before you die? 

More, anon.

Prospero

*And no, neither of them were the cuties from last month, though both were pleasant, patient and professional. Everyone in the ER was equally so and what started out as a rather scary experience was quickly getting better. I'm sure it helped that I was the only one in the ER, which undoubtedly facilitated my treatment but it seemed to me this was how they probably handled every patient and I was very impressed.

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4.5 Minutes of Intensity and Genius

I know, I know. Anyone who cares has probably already seen this. In fact, I'm not even sure where I foumd it - probably via Facebook on the 'I Love The Walking Dead' page. It doesn't matter, really, anymore.

What matters is how amped up Season 4 seems to be, at least from the ComicCon trailer embedded below. To this I say: "HELL YES!!"

If you know me at all, you know I love horror movies and especially zombie movies. And I cannot wait until AMC's "The Walking Dead" regains the top spot on my Top Ten TV Dramas list this year (if I end up doing one... who the heck knows, anymore?). TWD's astonishing 6-episode Season One was truly ground-breaking television and deserved every accolade afforded it. Season Two was... slow, I suppose (hey - even "Lost" had Nicki and Paolo), but built to a very intense second half. Season Three was better than Two, but not up to Season One's quality, which I ascribe to the firing of series creator (and the single best film interpreter of the works of Stephen King), Frank Darabont.

Now under the direction of chief make-up designer Greg Nicotero, the folks at AMC certainly seem to have listened to the fans and considerably  raised the stakes for Season Four. Why do I doubt the trailer's final message? See for yourselves (and watch Full Screen):

Damn! I don't know who is more upset about waiting until October: Uncle P; My Sister; My Mother; My Coworker; My Other Coworker; My College Friend or My College Friend's Daughter. It doesn't matter because even after 3 seasons, I am stupefied by the fact that TWD (along with several other Horror/Fantasy/Sci-Fi shows) is Mom's favorite TV drama. She may not always understand the supernatural/Sci-Fi elements in many of these shows, but she sure appreciates compelling characters and exciting story-telling. The apple doesn't fall far... though it seems I've actually turned her opinion about genre entertainment, even if I have to explain it to her at length.  But that's not a bad thing at all.

More, anon.

Prospero

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