November Turkey of the Month

I couldn't let Turkey Month end without a true turkey, could I? Will Smith continues to ride the wave downwards with this 2008 stinker about the most unlikeable superhero, ever. Hancock may pose some interesting questions, but never bothers to answer them and it's hero ends up looking more like a dick, than anything else.

With no memories of his origins and lawsuits against him for the destruction he's caused, Smith's John Hancock is a cypher (if only). After his latest debacle, he his contacted by PR genius Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman),whose wife (Charlize Theron) just happens to be Hancock's immortal partner (or some such nonsense), doomed to immortal super powers (oh, boo-hoo!)

On a side note, no matter how adorable many of us may find Jason Bateman, there is little room in my imagination to allow Ms Theron to be his wife. 

"Breaking Bad" creator Vince Gilligan may have come up with the concept for Hancock, but not every idea is a good one. Poorly written and loaded with bad CGI FX, Hancock serves as just another notch on Smith's increasingly large list of bad movies. I was 'lucky' enough to see this movie for free while on a business trip a few years ago. I almost felt guilty about billing it to my expense account. There are rumors of a Hancock 2. It is my fervent hope that they will remain just that.

Given Smith's most recent track record, which includes Wild, Wild West; I Am Legend; Hancock and M.Night Shamalamadingdong's After Earth, I'd say Will needs a new manager. And while I won't go into the rumors about Will and Jada and their supposed sexualities, I will say that Mr.Smith might want to consider going back into the music industry. At the very least, he should teach his son to keep his mouth shut when it comes to education. 

In the end, Hancock is a truly terrible movie and certainly deserves the title "Turkey."

Ugh!

More, anon.
Prospero

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Turkey Month Thursday on Friday

Click to Embiggen

Since Turkey Month starts on a Friday, I thought I'd start with a bonus Turkey! I mean, why the hell not? And it's time I started getting back to what serves as 'normal' for me, anyway. (Did I hear somebody say "...Abbie something..." or did someone slip me a tab of Windowpane). What?

Forget that you read that. And don't share it. I don't want any filthy hippies reading this. 

What?

Oh, you're right. I DO want filthy hippies to read me. I want everyone weird and wonderful to read me. Hippies; stoners; cinephiles; horror fans; theatre geeks; MST3K fans; bad movie fans; playwrights; screenwriters; actors; directors; LGBTQ people; free and forward thinking people; loving people; kind people; ecologically aware people... the list goes on and on. In fact, it might be easier to write a list of those I really don't want to read me. It's much shorter: Asshats; haters; bigots; bullies; religious nut-jobs; old Mormons; old Catholics; Neo-Nazis; Orson Scott Card and associates; people without a sense of humor and anyone remotely associated with a 'reality' TV show. That's it. So if you don't fall into one of the categories on the shorter list, please read on. Though, on second thought, those on the short list just might learn a thing or two... Oh, who am I kidding?

Sorry. Rant over. Let's get to this week's Turkey, then.

I have briefly mentioned this movie back in 2008, calling it My Favorite MST3K Episode. But it's crapulence was evident to me even as a child... 1964's Santa Claus Conquers the Martians could very well serve as a monument to truly terrible kids' movies. What makes this movie especially delicious to Turkey connoisseurs is that it marks the first film appearance by future Golden Globe "winner" and future spousal abuser, Pia Zadora, as the Martian child Girmar. 

So here's the plot: The Martians have been monitoring TV signals from Earth and have become jealous that there is no Santa Claus on Mars to give toys to the Martian children. The obvious solution? Kidnap Santa, of course. Meanwhile, two American brats on their way to meet Santa (I forget and don't care why) get wind of the plot and stow-away on the Martians' flying saucer. They and Santa are forced to make toys for Martian kids, but the machines breakdown or something and then the really stupid alien (i.e. most child-like) becomes the Martian Santa and the kids and the real Santa get home just in time to deliver toys on Christmas Eve. 

Terribly written, horribly acted and ineptly directed by Nicholas Webster (best known for his TV work in the 60's and 70's), Santa Claus Conquers... has become a high-camp classic, skewered beautifully by the folks at MST3K and even more fun with a group of smart, quick-witted friends. The production values practically scream "CHEAP!!!" and the acting is more painful than a root-canal without Novocaine. If you love bad movies and have never seen it, make it a point to do so. If you love bad movies and you have seen it, then you know exactly why it's such a wonderfully awful thing. And honestly, it's nice to see Ms Zadora as an innocent, before she married a rich old coot who bought her a Golden Globe (in a category which no longer exists) or a beater of her later, younger new husband. And don't be surprised to see her pop up at least once more this month (anyone remember Butterfly, 18 years later? Poor, poor Orson... ).

Here are both the trailer and highlights from the MST3K version:



Dig that groovy soundtrack, Baby!

"Pills for breakfast? Who are we, Judy Garland?" Man, I miss this show so very much!

Well, that's better! I can see the inklings of my old self coming back. And it feels nice. Hope I got a smile out of you, too (I know a certain someone in Chicago enjoyed this post, at the very least - he knows who he is).

More, anon.
Prospero

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Turkey Month Begins

A Turkey from Turkey

While Hurricane Sandy put an all-too-soon end to Shocktober here at Caliban's Revenge, Uncle P soldiers on. 

The year's penultimate month is known as "Turkey Month" at the Revenge, where every Thursday I post about a bad, bad movie. And since the month starts out on a Thursday this year, I thought I'd talk about a Turkey from Turkey. 

1982's Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam (The Man Who Saves the World) is often called "The Turkish Star Wars," and while the producers may have blatantly stolen footage from George Lucas' 1978 ground-breaker, the plots couldn't be more disparate.

Two men crash land on a desert planet they believe is inhabited only by women, only to find out it is Earth 1000 years in future, under the control of an evil wizard. There are zombies; skeleton warriors; an evil queen; a giant monster and "golden ninjas." At the end, we are 'treated' to a speech about the human brain being "the strongest weapon in the universe." Stealing its soundtrack from Raiders of the Lost Ark; Moonraker; Ben-Hur; Flash Gordon and The Black Hole (among others), 'director' Cetin Inanc has made what many consider to be the worst Turkish film of all time  - and that's saying something, especially if you've ever seen other Turkish films. Slack copyright laws and budgets that put many U.S, independent films to shame, helped to make Dunyayi Kutaran Adam a very sad reality. And the mismatched aspect ratios (is that the 'Death Egg?') certainly don't help.

Still, a reviewer from Istanbul had this to say on IMDb:

"One can not put this movie into any categorie (sic) because it has created a new categorie (sic) in film world. It might be classified as cult-scifi (sic) but in a very different way. Some people might think that it is a comedy but it is absolutely a very very serious movie which is made under very difficult circumstances. Very very low finance has forced the producers to use incredible items, and creativity is at the extreme measures. If you are interested in extra-ordinary movies, don't miss it."

Really? Truth be told, after sifting through several clips from this film, I'd personally rather spend another three days without power than sit through the whole thing (available here, if you're brave enough).  Here's a trailer (or at least, a hodgepodge of scenes):

My head actually hurts just from watching that. I hope you got through it without puking or having a seizure of some kind. I can only imagine that the Turks must be starved for real entertainment and I can only thank the circumstances of my birth that I am not one of them.

In case you're wondering, power was finally restored here at about 2:00 PM, though many in my area are still without. My thoughts are with them and all those still suffering the effects of Hurricane Sandy. If you are able to do so, please donate to the American Red Cross' relief efforts.

More, anon.
Prospero

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Turkey Month Turkey of the Month: "Lady in the Water"

Happy Thanksgiving to all my U.S readers and those Americans scattered about the globe. Thanksgiving in the U.S. is all about the turkey, which is why November is 'Turkey Month 'here at Caliban's Revenge.

And what a turkey I have for you tonight. Philadelphia-based  writer/director M. Night Shyamalan made a name for himself with 1999's The Sixth Sense, starring Bruce Willis and a young Haley Joel Osment as the boy who could "...see dead people." His follow-up film Unbreakable (also starring Willis) was a pretentious mess about a "real-life" superhero (Willis) and his brittle-boned nemesis (Samuel L. Jackson in a ridiculous wig). 2002's Signs, about an unlikely alien invasion some major plot issues (Why would aliens who were deathly allergic to water try to invade a planet that is 90% water? They can travel billions of light-years, but can't figure out how to operate a doorknob?), but it featured some lovely low-key acting from its stars Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix. Then came 2004's The Village, a movie I actively stood up and booed after it was over. I swore I'd never see a Shyama-lama-ding-dong film again.

Then came 2006's Lady in the Water, filmed not less than two miles from Uncle P's house on the grounds of a former 3M plant. I would drive by and watch the set go up and then later come down, all the while curious as to whether or not I would hate this movie, too. When it finally hit theaters, the reviews were... well, terrible. I waited until it came out on DVD and rented it. And was sorry I did.

Lady in the Water stars Paul Giamatti as Cleveland Heep, an apartment complex maintenance man who discovers Story (Bryce Dallas Howard), a creature from the 'Blue World' called a  'Narf,' in the complex's pool. The almost incoherent plot revolves around Story's efforts to find and encourage a writer (Shyamalon) who is destined to write a book  that will change the world. Story is also being pursued by werewolf-like monsters called 'Scrunts,' who want to stop her, even though they've been forbidden the Blue World's simian leaders, 'The Tartutic.' After she completes her mission, Story is whisked home by a giant eagle-creature called 'The Great Eatlon.' Huh?

Supposedly based on a story Ding-dong made up for his own daughters, the convoluted plot involves cereal boxes, suppressed grief and a whole bunch of crap that makes no sense at all. Sadly, Jeffrey Wright; Bob Balaban; Mary Beth Hurt; Bill Irwin; Tovah Feldshuh and Freddy Rodriguez (all actors who deserve better) are tenants who figure into the nonsensical mythology Shyamalan tries to create. 

I watched this movie three times, falling asleep before it was over twice. When I finally made it through the whole thing, I still had no idea what the hell was going on. Of course, even this piece of crap movie didn;t stop Hollywood producers from throwing money at Shyamalon and he went on to make the Universally panned The Happening (about killer trees) and the video game-based The Last Airbender (also hated by every critic who had to sit through it).I have seen neither of these movies, nor do I intend to. I simply refuse to put another dollar in the man's pocket.

I'm not one to wish ill on anyone, but I really hope that producers have finally learned their lesson and never let M.Night Shyamalan make another movie as long he lives.

More, anon.
Prospero

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Turkey Month Turkey of the Week: "Batman and Robin"

After two successful (and very entertaining) Batman movies helmed by director Tim Burton, Joel Schumacher took over the franchise. His first film in the franchise, 1995's Batman Forever, isn't terrible but pales in comparison to Burton's movies. Batman Forever replaced Michael Keaton with Val Kilmer as Bruce Wayne/Batman and introduced Chris O'Donnell as Dick Greyson/Robin. The duo face off against Two-Face (Tommy Lee Jones) and The Riddler (Jim Carrey) in a plot to enslave Gothomites with The Riddler's hypnotic TV signal. Warner Brothers started developing  1997's Batman and Robin almost immediately after production ended.

George Clooney (just about the only actor whose career was unscathed by the movie) was now Bruce Wayne/Batman while Arnold Schwarzenegger and Uma Thurman were brought in as Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy. Freeze (AKA Dr. Victor Fries, injured in a cryogenics accident which leaves him in need of being kept cold all the time) is stealing diamonds to create a freeze-ray in an insane effort to save his wife from "MacGregor's Syndrome" (does Beatrix Potter know about this?). Meanwhile, Dr. Pamela Isley is working in South America, looking for a cure for said disease with Jason Woodrue. When she sees him turn a little person into the monstrous Bane, Woodrue tries to kill her with a variety of poisonous chemicals. Instead, she becomes Poison Ivy and kills him with a venomous kiss. She and Bane then head to Gotham to join forces with Freeze.

We soon find out that Wayne's manservant Alfred (Michael Gough) is suffering from MacGregor's syndrome and when his niece Barbara (Alicia Silverstone) shows up to care for him, she becomes Batgirl at her uncle's prompting. Batman, Robin and Batgirl soon join forces to defeat Freeze, Ivy and Bane, but not before Ivy uses pheromones to seduce Batman and Robin into turning on each other. The movie's best scene is a rip-off of a famous number from a Marlene Dietrich film, as Ivy enters a fundraising ball dressed in a gorilla costume:

Batman and Robin is the movie that infamously introduced nipples on the Batsuit and campily inferred a gay relationship between the Dynamic Duo. It also nearly put an end to the franchise, until Warner Brothers recruited director Christopher Nolan for the rather terrific re-boot, Batman Begins. Nolan's brilliantly noirish The Dark Knight earned a posthumous Oscar for Heath Ledger's Joker. I am eagerly anticipating next summer's final entry in Nolan's trilogy, The Dark Knight Rises.

Ridiculous dialog; an almost unintelligible plot; terrible acting; day-glo sets and the most ridiculous costumes in the Batman's long history,make Batman and Robin one of the worst Superhero movies of all time (and certainly the worst Batman movie, ever). 

More, anon.
Prospero

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Thursday's Turkey on Friday

Last weekend's snowstorm got me all mixed up, so I hope you'll forgive me for doing the usual Turkey Month Thursday Turkey on Friday, this week. And since I had already mentioned it in the post about The Innkeepers the other night, I thought I'd start with Ti West's direct-to-video Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever.

Eli Roth's 2002 directorial debut, Cabin Fever, was a funny and horrific homage to the genre about a group of college friends who rent a secluded cabin in the woods, only to be infected with a fast moving form of necrotizing faciitis (flesh eating bacteria). Gross,gory and often hilarious, Cabin Fever was a sleeper hit and gave Roth a career (though lately he's been acting, more than directing).

West's 2009 sequel... well, let's just say it lacks the finesse of the original. Rider Strong briefly returns as Paul (the original's only survivor), to find that he is also  infected. He wanders onto a highway and is promptly hit by a school bus whereupon he explodes like an overripe watermelon. Giuseppe Andrews also returns as party-hardy Deputy Winston, who tells the bus driver that he hit a moose. 

The story then moves on to a high school, where everyone is having angst about attending prom. Needless to say, the infected bottled water from the creek gets into the school and everyone is infected. Agents from a CDC-like organization try and quarantine the school as all sorts of mayhem breaks loose. There are exploding bodies; bloody vomit; amputations; ax attacks and even a nail-gun killing. The CDC-like group eventually gasses everyone in the school, but not before one girl escapes and goes to her job as a pole dancer, exposing her sore-covered breasts to the patrons who are apparently too drunk to notice.

What a mess. The 'humor' in the movie is barely passable as sophomoric, using unfunny sex jokes, homophobic entendres and just plain unfunny gross-outs. As for the cast of mostly* unknowns, I've seen more talented actors in back-water productions of The Fantastiks. The barely coherent screenplay byJoshua Malkin appears to have cobbled together from random ideas scribbled on diner napkins, while West seems to be simply going through the motions for a paycheck. To be perfectly honest, there is absolutely nothing worth recommending about Cabin Fever 2. I'm so glad I caught for free on FearNet.

*I hope "30 Rock" co-star Judah Friedlander doesn't count this movie among his "career highlights."

More, anon.
Prospero

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Turkey Month Turkey of the Month: "Blood Freak"

Yes, that is a turkey-headed monster on the poster for Blood Freak, a 1972 anti-drug picture made by religious nutjobs to warn against the dangers of marijuana.

Blood Freak is the story of Herschel (Steve Hawkes), a Vietnam vet who picks up a hitchhiker named Angel (Heather Hughes) on his hog and takes her home. Angel is a religious good girl, who invites Herschel to crash at her pad for a while. Angel's sister Ann (Dana Cullivan) is a bad girl and she turns Herschel onto pot, to which he immediately becomes maniacally addicted. To support his habit, Herschel gets a job at a local turkey processing plant, testing turkey meat. Of course, the turkey place is run by a mad scientist who is trying to create a turkey that's as addictive as pot. When Herschel eats some contaminated turkey - his head turns into a papier mache turkey head!

And if having a papier mache turkey head isn't bad enough, Herschel is now a turkey-vampire who can only survive by drinking the blood of other pot addicts. Naturally, he goes on a killing spree, draining blood from his victims and slurping it up through his papier mache beak from his hands (I guess he couldn't find a straw). Finally, Jesus shows up to teach Herschel the error of his ways and he is saved, upon which he wakes up to discover the whole thing was just a drug-fueled nightmare. 

I wish I was making this one up, but I'm not. Here:

Wow. Poppers, wine and pot. Yep, these are some bad people. Not only does Blood Freak make absolutely no sense, it features some of the worst acting ever committed to celluloid; special effects that would make H.G. Lewis laugh at their amateurishness and several brief appearances by director Brad F. Grintner as the Narrator/Herschel's conscience, who occasionally breaks out into a coughing fit so bad, you wish he'd swallow some codeine-laced cough syrup already:

And mind you, the trailer below was intended to make you want to see this movie:

 

Why do I think the maker's of V8 are indebted to the makers of this film?

Thus endeth the Turkey Month Turkeys. I hope you and yours had a wonderful and delicious Thanksgiving. As always, I have loads to be thankful for, not the least of which are you, my readers. I don't have nearly as many followers as some bloggers, but I am very thankful for the ones I do have. 

Tomorrow is known as Black Friday in the U.S. (presumably because it's the day when retailers' books go into the black ink, rather than the red) and Uncle P will be out looking for holiday bargains (though not at 3 or 4 AM, as many will be). I've already done some Christmas shopping online and have just a few more things to pick up. If they're good enough to share, I'll recount my shopping adventures tomorrow. If not, expect more of the usual nonsense.

More, anon.
Prospero

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Turkey Month Turkey of the Week: "Catwoman"

Poor Halle Berry. Unarguably one of the most beautiful and talented women in Hollywood, she somehow got suckered into starring in this glistening turd of movie.

In the DC Comics' universe, Catwoman is Selina Kyle, a Gotham City jewel thief with a reciprocal crush on the Dark Knight himself, Batman. In this 2004 stinker she's Patience Phillips, a graphic artist working for a cosmetics company run by the evil Laurel Hedare (Sharon Stone). When Patience stumbles upon a shameful secret regarding Hedare's latest youth serum, she finds herself in danger. And somehow also finds herself the recipient of mystical powers passed on from Catwomen of the past. What?

Filled with 'ancient Egyptian' hokum; 'girrrrlpower' nonsense and one of the worst costumes in Superhero movie history, Catwoman is undoubtedly the nadir of the Warner Brothers' Batman-related films. Featuring over-the-top performances by Stone as the villain and Benjamin Bratt as the cop/love-interest, Catwoman makes about as much sense as a gorilla wearing a tutu. And what the hell the magnificent Frances Conroy is doing in this movie (other than collecting a paycheck), is beyond me.

Previously, Catwoman has also been portrayed by Julie Newmar; Eartha Kitt; Lee Meriwether and most notably, Michelle Pfieffer (Batman Returns). None of those actresses were nominated for a Razzy, though Berry was. And she showed much grace and humor by actually showing up to accept her award for 'Worst Actress.'

Of course, Catwoman is one of the many villains being bandied about for inclusion in Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight Rises. Given the 'realistic' version of Gotham City Nolan has thus-far presented, Catwoman in her original incarnation seems as likely as any other female character in the series. Time will tell...

More, anon.
Prospero

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