Review: "The Lords of Salem"

I'm in the minority and actually like musician-turned-director Rob Zombie's 2003 debut film, House of 1000 Corpses. Conversely, I am among the majority in really liking it's brilliant 2005 sequel, The Devil's Rejects. And his fake trailer for Grindhouse (Werewolf Women of the SS*) is hilarious. I was dubious when I heard he was remaking John Carpenter's career-maker, Halloween but was pleasantly surprised that he actually did it some justice. Then came the remake's sequel, which proved disastrous. Still, I had hope for Zombie's latest film, The Lords of Salem. The trailer looked like another trippy, creepy 70's-referencing movie, much like his first two films but influenced this time by Hammer Studios. It won me over with it's weird and wild imagery:

The film's conceit is among the oldest of the genre's old chestnuts: "The Witch's Curse." What a great starting point. Screw history! Let's burn us some real witches in Salem. Naturally, the head witch curses the female descendants of the original colony and makes the descendant of the clergyman who condemned her bear the Devil's child. Trust me, this is not a spoiler and I'll tell you why. Despite hoping for an original and actually scary take on the trope, Zombie takes ideas from dozens of other (and much better) films about witches, the devil and the anti-Christ; throws them all up on the screen and hopes they stick. 1/3 of the way through the film's 101 increasingly absurd minutes, it starts to become apparent that they don't. Another 15 minutes in and the movie stops making any damned sense at all and it becomes an exercise in directorial indulgence for predictable, uninspired shocks; bizarre imagery and as many references to other works as he could fit in. 

There are some highly uneven performances from the cast of genre veterans, which includes Dee Wallace; Meg Foster; Bruce Davison; Patricia Quinn; Ken Foree and Maria Conchita Alonso with cameos from Michael Berryman and Sid Haig. An unrecognizable Foster comes off the worst as the curse-spewing witch, Margaret Morgan, out-hamming Al Pacino in Scarface and William Shatner in almost anything. Wallace, Quinn and character actress Judy Geeson seem to be at least having fun as crazy, elderly satanists while Davison and Alonso make an unlikely pairing work. Zombie's wife, (Sheri Moon Zombie) continues to be his muse and leading lady, though at almost 40, Moon Zombie's child-like performance is ridiculous (though only slightly less ridiculous than her awful dreadlocks and her eclectic, pop-art perfect apartment down the hall from Old Scratch). As for those amazing visuals in the trailer? Yes, they're in the movie. But so are dozens more that serve no purpose other than to perplex or disgust or cause some sort of reaction without any rhyme or reason. Note to Rob Zombie: No one wants to look at flabby, old naked ladies (not even flabby, old straight men); your wife still can't act and no matter how much you draw on imagery from Bosch; Fever Ray; Roman Polanski;  Ken Russell and David Cronenberg, The Devil should never look like a frog in a chicken suit as played by Chuy Bravo. My friend Michael and I (as well as the rest of the small crowd at the 8:10 show) laughed out loud at one too many things that were obviously not supposed to be funny, while often asking ourselves aloud: "What the...?"

I suppose it's good to know that Zombie knows his genre's history, but knowing the stories hardly makes him a story-teller. In the end, The Lords of Salem tries too hard to be too many things at the same time, hitting the audience over the head with heavy-handed imagery and totally uninspired references to far better works. While some critics are calling it 'daring' and 'ambitious,' I think The Lords of Salem is self-indulgent twaddle from someone who should know better. Bizarre for the sake of being bizarre is never interesting. Honestly, who actually decided to release this crap? I hope he or she gets fired for it. 0 Stars Out of Four.

Have a marathon at home, instead. Rent Rosemary's Baby; The Sentinel; The Devils; Lair of the White Worm; Naked Lunch; Altered States and The Fly and have an actual good time watching movies with the same themes and visuals, made by actually talented directors. What the hell happened to the guy who made *this?:

I'll never get the time back that I wasted on this POS, but Rob Zombie owes me $11.00, damnit! The Lords of Salem is rated 'R' for violence, nudity, male masturbation, gore and language. It should be rated 'P' for Pee-yew!

More, anon.
Prospero

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Slimy Slug Zombies

There are almost as many ways to create zombies as there are types of zombies. In Romero's original Night of the Living Dead, radiation from a returning satellite is blamed. In Return of the Living Dead, it's a mysterious military chemical weapon. In Black Sheep, it's genetically modified sheep. And in Zombieland, it's a tainted gas-station hamburger. But in at least two movies, it's slugs from outer space, and that's what Uncle P is going to gross you out with tonight.

In writer/director Fred Dekker's 1986 Night of the Creeps, an alien experiment is accidentally jettisoned to Earth, where a college kid on a date finds it (after his girlfriend is murdered by an axe-wielding lunatic). In an effort to contain the threat, the kid's body is frozen and put in storage. Flash forward to 1986 when, as part of a college prank, the body is accidentally thawed and the slug-like parasite is released on campus. We soon learn that the 50's maniac was killed and buried where a sorority house now stands, and the House Mother is being menaced by the killer's reanimated corpse. When the zombie is shot in the head, a horde of alien slugs is released to wreak havoc on the night of the college's Formal.

Dekker loads his movie with tons of references to classic zombie movies and even goes so far as to name characters for well-known 80's horror directors. There's Chris Romero; Cynthia Cronenberg; James Carpenter Hooper; Ray Cameron; Detective Landis; Sergeant Raimi and Mr. Miner, all named after George Romero, David Cronenberg, John Carpenter, Tobe Hooper, James Cameron, John Landis, Sam Raimi and Steve Miner, respectively.

80's horror staple Tom Atkins plays the cop who figures out what's going on and future special effects pioneers Robert Kurtzman and Greg "The Walking Dead" Nicotero make appearances in the ensemble. Even horror icon Dick Miller (The Little Shop of Horrors; Gremlins) shows up.

In the end, it's discovered that the only way to destroy the creeps is with fire, and the sorority house is burned down, saving the campus (and presumably the world) from the slimy creeps.

In 2006, Troma Studios alumnus James Gunn (Night of the Living Dead 2004), took the premise of slugs from space to a new level with his hilarious (and disgusting) film Slither. While fans of Night of the Creeps took to the Net in protest when the first trailers hit, they were soon assuaged when the movie was released to exceptionally positive reviews (85% on RottenTomatoes) and Gunn's original take on the trope.

Hottie Nathan Fillion (ABC's "Castle") stars as Bill Pardy, Sheriff of Woodsville, a town where nothing happens. Pardy's true love, Starla (Elizabeth Banks) has married the town's most successful businessman, Grant Grant (Michael Rooker), who is cheating on her with local tramp Brenda (Brenda James). While on his way home from a tryst with Brenda, Grant stumbles upon a meteor which contains a slug-like alien named "The Long One" and is immediately infected by the slug-like monster, which begins to transform him into a tentacled beast. Grant subsequently infects/impregnates Brenda ("Somethin's wrong with me!") with hundreds of similar slugs which soon take over the town, turning its residents into zombies obsessed with Starla. It turns out that all the zombies are connected as part of a hive mind to the Long One, which intends to take over the world, as it it has done on many other worlds before. 

Featuring Jenna Fischer, Gregg Henry, Troma co-founder Lloyd Kaufman and the voice of Rob Zombie, Slither makes references to the films of George Romero; David Cronenberg; Stuart Gordon and the aforementioned Fred Dekker (a veritable Circle of Undeath, as it were) and even features a clip from Troma's most (in)famous film, The Toxic Avenger. Yet another hilarious entry into the horror comedy sub-sub-genre of zombie movies, Slither is yet another of Uncle P's favorite zombie movies of the 21st Century.

If you've never seen this hilarious movie, I highly recommend it, especially if you (like Uncle P) are fan of Nathan ("Firefly") Fillion's.

More, anon.
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Shocktober Director of the Day: Rob Zombie

Primarily known as the front man for the heavy metal band White Zombie, Rob Zombie wrote and directed his first film, House of 1000 Corpses in 2000, though it wouldn't be released until 2003. Taking his cue from 1970's horrors such as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Last House on the Left, Zombie amps up the insanity exponentially in this tale of college students doing research for a project about roadside attractions. After visiting Captain Spaulding's (underground exploitation veteran Sid Haig) museum which features a ride-through tribute to local "Urban Legend" Dr. Satan, they have the misfortune of picking up hitchhiker Baby (Sheri Moon), who brings them back to the family manse where all sorts of horrors await them.

Co-starring genre favorites Karen Black, Bill Moseley (Texas Chainsaw Massacre II), Michael J. Pollard and "The Office" favorite Rainn Wilson, House of 1000 Corpses is an over-the-top nightmare of a movie that one either loves or hates, and for everyone I know who hates it, I know someone else (myself included) who loves it. It is so completely over-the-top and insane, I can only imagine that those who hate this movie just plain don't get it.

Zombie's follow-up is the sequel to House..., 2005's The Devil's Rejects. Picking up where House... ended, The Devil's Rejects follows the Firefly family as they are pursued by one Sheriff Wydell (William Forsythe), who is seeking revenge for the murder of his brother at the end of the first film. Most of the original cast returns, including Haig, Moseley and Moon (now Sheri Moon Zombie, having married the writer/director), though Black is replaced by an even more over-the-top Leslie Easterbrook (the Police Academy movies). Even grimmer (if that's possible) than the original, The Devil's Rejects ignores Dr. Satan (though, personally, I want to know what the hell was up with that) and is more of crime-drama, than a Horror movie (though there are plenty of horrific elements). Technically and stylistically a much film better than House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects  leaves many questions unanswered, though such is often the case when dealing with stories of insanity. Personally, I will never be able to listen to "Freebird" with the same sense of innocence as I did in the late 70's.

Zombie's next project was the 2007 remake of John Carpenter's (don't worry - I'll get there) 1978 classic Halloween. Adding a twisted back-story to support Micheal Myers' madness, Zombie's version does little more than amp up the gore in an otherwise pointless remake. Lacking any real style, Zombie's version is one of the most unnecessary remakes of a classic.

Just as unnecessarily, Zombie's next movie was 2009's Halloween II, a film Uncle P didn't even bother to see and about which I can hold no opinion,.

Zombie's next film was an animated movie based on his own comic book, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto, another movie I haven't seen (nor have any desire to do so, even though it marginality references Dr. Satan).

Zombie's last foray into directing was an episode of CBS' crime procedural "C.S.I.: Miami," though I doubt we'll be seeing any movies from him in the near future. And while he may have a decent run as film director, I suspect Rob should concentrate more on his musical career, from now on.

More, anon.

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Worst Remake Idea EVER

Steve McQueen, like many successful actors, started his career in a B-grade horror movie that has since become a classic, The Blob. Thirty years later, it was remade starring Kevin Dillon in the role that made McQueen famous. Granted, Dillon did not go on to the same kind of career that McQueen did, but the 1988 remake was fun, at least. It featured then state-of-the-art FX (see the photo, above), actress Shawnee Smith (who would later go on to become Jigsaw's apprentice in the Saw franchise) and ER's Paul McCrane (someone with whom I share 1 degree of separation, having worked with both of his sisters at Macy's many moons ago). It also featured actor Bill Mosely, who would go on to star in Army of Darkness; House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects, among many other Z-grade horror movies (Evil Bong, anyone?).

Now (via), comes word that House of 1000 Corpses and The Devils' Rejects director Rob Zombie has been tapped to once again remake The Blob. Now I have to be honest and admit that I actually like House of 1000 Corpses. It's an insane homage to 70's exploitation "white trash" horror with an even better sequel in The Devil's Rejects. But Zombie's remake of John Carpenter's quintessential slasher movie Halloween was a complete waste of time (and I won't even comment on that movie's now-playing sequel). In discussing The Blob remake, Zombie has been quoted as saying "My intention is not to have a big red blobby thing -- that's the first thing I want to change..."

What?! The Blob without the blob? What the hell? Further proof that Hollywood is being run by morons and Rob Zombie is retarded. I say a full boycott is called for.

In other movie news, while looking for interesting tidbits to post about, I came across a trailer for a movie I had never heard of and can't believe I missed. Below is the trailer for 2008's British horror flick, The Children:

Apparently, The Children was released on DVD this past March. I completely missed it and now must make a pilgrimage to my local Blockbuster to check it out. And I am wondering what other bits of wonderful (and maybe not-so-wonderful) horror may have missed, recently. Any suggestions? You know I love to hear from you. Comment away.

More, anon.

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