The Most Egregious Thing You'll See This Week

I was a sophomore in High School when Annie made it's Broadway debut (look it up and do the math). The comic-strip on which the musical was based debuted in 1933 and was still in syndication when the musical first arrived on the Great White Way. It's ubiquitous anthem "Tomorrow" is one the late 20th Century's most recognizable songs and without it, we wouldn't have Sarah Jessica Parker.  The show has had two revivals, one in 1997 and another in 2012. It was made into a not terrible movie in 1982, starring a local gal with whom my mother shared 1 degree of separation, Aileen Quinn (Mom worked with Aileen's mother back in her Playground Monitor days). Carol Burnett and Tim Curry were the villains in director John Huston's fairly faithful version.

News of a new version slated to star Willa Smith arose about three years ago. Last year it was announced that Smith was out, replaced by Beasts of the Southern Wild Oscar-nominee Quvenzhané Wallis.All seemed well and good until we found out that Cameron Diaz (Bad Teacher) and Jaimie Foxx (Ray) were slated to play Miss Hannigan and the updated version of Daddy Warbucks, Benjamin Stacks (get it? -- ugh!). Okay. Fine. Maybe an update is in order. Urban orphans are certainly VERY different today from those of the Great Depression. I have no problem with making older works relevant to modern audiences. I've set both Much Ado About Nothing and Romeo and Juliet in the 20th Century. A timeless story is just that, right?

Wrong.

Look at this trailer for the 2014 Annie and tell me it doesn't make you want to pull your hair out by the roots.

UGH! It's everything I hate about the treacly original show, combined with every unoriginal thought put to paper by modern, corporate filmmakers. Directed by Will Gluck (best known for teen sex comedies like Easy A), this shameless POS is a perfect example of everything wrong with Hollywood and the U.S. film industry today. The trailer makes it clear that this movie will undoubtedly be the miserable flop that it is destined (and deserves) to be.

More, anon.

Prospero

PS - A special thanks to my friend Sally, who first shared that clip.

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The Sound of Vincent Spinning

Tim Burton and Johnny Depp have made some terrific movies together. Edward Scissorhands; Ed Wood (Burton's masterpiece, as far I am concerned) and Sleepy Hollow, among them. They've also made increasingly bad movies. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (which I am almost embarrassed to admit I really liked because of it's loyalty to the book, and Depp's creepy, weird and molestery performance); Sweeney Todd (a movie so removed from its very theatrical origins - much like Les Miserables - that it became little more than a slasher movie with songs); Alice in Wonderland (which I found to be actually insulting to Lewis Carroll and all of nonsense. Imagine being insulting to nonsense. It's actually too sad to be considered nonsense) and worst of all, last year's truly awful Dark Shadows. Burton over-estimated the camp value of the series whose fans hated that he tried to make it into a deliberate comedy. The TV show's appeal was never its camp - it was the characters and the story lines. Sure, they were absurd. But that's the nature of genre TV and film. The audience accepts those unlikely conceits by acquiescing to a willing suspension of disbelief. When the absurdities became the point, that suspension shuts down and people hate you for making fun of the show instead of embracing what they loved about it.

Burton used to be an interesting and actually good filmmaker. But then he got jaded and lazy and lost sight of the importance of story. Anymore, his films are about visual tricks and weird CGI. Depp used to be an interesting and fun actor, but since Pirates of the Caribbean  (not a Burton film), he's become a parody of himself, known for being bizarre more than anything else. His upcoming role as Tonto alongside Armie Hammer's Lone Ranger is just further proof of that. Watch this trailer if you don't believe me.

Of course, Burton and I have many common influences, which naturally makes me want to like his work, very much. One of those influences was the amazing genre actor Vincent Price. And while I've certainly seen just about all of Price's films by now (even the non-genre ones), my favorites are what I consider his Masterpiece Trilogy: The Abominable Dr. Phibes; Dr. Phibes Rises Again and Theatre of Blood. The Phibes movies are about a massively disfigured musician and composer taking revenge on those whom he considers responsible for his wife's death, while Theatre of Blood concerns an insane hack Shakespearean actor who, after failing at killing himself, takes revenge on the critics he blames for his failing career.

Today, Naughty But Nice Rob (a blog I've never heard of before, but was linked to via my Facebook feed), is reporting that Burton has cast Depp in his remake of The Abominable Dr. Phibes. And I responded with "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"  The bizarre, Steampunk/Clockwork/Art Deco horror movie with murders based on the 10 Plagues deserves a better team. I know Burton has a deep reverence for Vincent (indeed, the film that first got him noticed is an homage to our mutual hero and Price's last film was Edward Scissorhands), but I can't imagine either of them restraining themselves enough to make an actually good version of this movie. They must be stopped. I can't handle the thought of Helena Bonham Carter as Vulnavia.

While Theatre of Blood was adapted into a stage play in London a few years ago, I've always thought it deserved a musical adaptation. Wish I could afford the rights to that. Of course, I could always do an "unauthorized" version...

As for the Burton/Depp remake of Phibes? That spinning sound you hear is coming all the way from Mr. Price's grave.

More, anon.
Prospero

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Review: "Evil Dead"

Jane Levy in Evil Dead

In 1981, director Sam Raimi and his brother Ted put together a very low budget horror movie called The Evil Dead. The movie caused a bit of a sensation, despite its terrible acting and laughable effects (it also scared the crap out of Uncle P's sister). 1987's Evil Dead II wasn't so much a sequel as a deliberately funny re-make (think The Three Stooges meet The Exorcist). Raimi's last movie in the trilogy, 1992's Army of Darkness, was a full-out horror comedy, combined with a medieval fantasy. The movies made Bruce Campbell a cult star, legitimized Raimi as a director and even spawned an hilarious stage musical. All this from the simple story of five college friends who unwittingly unleash an evil force by reading from a human skin-bound book of spells. Rumors of a fourth movie have taunted fans for decades, but Raimi was busy making the original Spider-Man trilogy, the very under-appreciated Drag Me to Hell and this year's disappointing Oz the Great and Powerful. When it was announced that he would be producing (along with Campbell) a reboot, written and directed by Uruguayan director Fede Alvarez, fans were up arms. Today, Dear D and I saw the new version, and I'm happy to report that Alvarez and company (with a few exceptions) got most of it right.

Mia ("Suburgatory" star Jane Levy) is a drug addict trying to go cold turkey with the help of her brother David and their friends, who have chosen Mia and David's family cabin in the woods to seclude themselves while she goes through withdrawal. What they don't know is that the cabin was recently the site of a ritual to... well, the less said about that, the better. The performers of said ritual have left behind a dozen or so dead cats and a book wrapped in plastic and barbed wire. Unable to contain his curiosity, Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci), the scholar among the group, unwraps the book and reads aloud from it, opening the door for a terrible demonic entity which invades Mia and basically dooms them all.

Approaching the story as a full-out Horror movie mostly pays off for Alvarez, working from a script he wrote along with Rodo Sayagues and an uncredited Diablo Cody (Jennifer's Body). The four friends have vowed to keep Mia at the cabin, no matter how much she begs to go home. When she starts behaving strangely, they attribute it to withdrawal and ignore her pleas to leave. Of course, things quickly escalate and it is soon apparent that something is very wrong. The violence and gore escalate, with plenty of stabbing; gouging; shredding; dismemberment and enough blood to fill an Olympic pool (this isn't a movie for the faint of heart, kids). There are demonic voices, slamming doors and exploding mirrors; raping trees, scalding showers and more than a few homages to the original (Mia is first discovered sitting atop Ash's dilapidated car, for one). I was fine with all of it, until the movie went and used two truly ridiculous cliches that drive me crazy - SPOILERS AHEAD: Skip to the next paragraph to avoid them. Cliche #1: Nail guns cannot fire nails like a firearm! There is a safety catch on every nail gun ever made which makes this impossible. Cliche #2: Shooting a plastic gas can will never cause an explosion! Gasoline itself is flammable, but not explosive. Gasoline fumes are explosive, but require a flame or a spark to ignite them and neither can be achieved by shooting through a plastic container. I don't know why Hollywood continues to perpetrate these fallacies. They are insults to the audience's intelligence and they should go away forever (though I'm sure they won't). 

The actors in the new version are certainly better than in Raimi's original, with Levy going all-out to make Mia as different as possible from the character she plays on "Suburgatory." Shiloh Fernandez (Deadgirl: Red Riding Hood) is fine as David, Mia's conflicted brother. Pucci (Carriers); Jessica Lucas (Coverfield) and newcomer Elizabeth Blackmore are all more than competent in what must have been physically demanding roles. Alvarez's direction takes several cues from Raimi's original, including running shots through the woods and close-ups of painful-looking slicing and dicing. D and I both winced more than a few times at the imagined pain the characters were put through (not that she would, but my dear Q should avoid this one at all costs). Alvarez thankfully eschews CG imagery and opts for physical FX which far outshine Raimi's original efforts. All in all, I had a great time, though D was disappointed at the lack of camp. *** (Three Out of Four Stars). And fans of the original should stay for a special Easter Egg after the credits.

On a personal note, I was horrified to see a family bring a young boy who couldn't have been more than 8 or 9 to see this movie. Inappropriate on so many levels for such a young kid, I hope they are kept awake all night by the boy's nightmares. Evil Dead is rated a hard "R" for language and extreme gore, violence and horror. Anyone who brings a child to see it should be reported for abuse.

Oh - One more thing... why do filmmakers allow trailers to contain material which doesn't actually appear in the final cut? 

More, anon.
Prospero

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Jurassic Pork

Chicken Flavour?

Jurassic Park IV has been rumored for so long, I had begun to think it wouldn't and probably shouldn't happen. Remember back in 2007 when it was announced that the movie was being cast and would feature dinosaurs with guns? That makes about as much sense as Chicken Flavoured Vegetarian Ham (and whatever the hell that is, keep it as far away from me as possible, please and thank you!).

Now, as much as I liked the original movie and hate both of it's even more ridiculous sequels (OK - I'll admit that I laughed when the Japanese tourists were running from the T-Rex in JP2), the idea of a third sequel never really sat well with me. In fact, most sequels (with a few exceptions), remakes and reboots (again, with a few exceptions) never really sit well with me. I've always been interested in original films with original ideas and find most such films to be lazy attempts to cash in on something that has already proven to be successful. Ever see The Sting II or Superman IV? How about Bewitched, The Dukes of Hazard or The Stepford Wives? Ugh!

That's not to say that all such films are terrible. But for every The Italian Job or The Fly, there's a Godzilla, The Wolfman or The Wicker Man taking big, smelly dumps on the originals. 

Indiewire is now reporting that Universal Pictures has scheduled Jurassic Park IV for release in June of 2014 (of course, they're also reporting that a script has been commissioned for the completely unnecessary Pirates of the Caribbean V, but I digress). The real news in this story is that the latest script for Jurassic Park IV has been written by Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver, the writers behind the very entertaining Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which revived the franchise that was nearly destroyed by Tim Burton's 2001 remake starring Mark Wahlberg. I can only imagine that if anyone can revive the late Sci-Fi writer Michael Chrichton's vision, it's these two.

Still - I can only wonder where they might take the story and must offer up a few ideas of my own.:

1. Jurassic Park IV: Dinos on the Run. Knowing they are feared and despised by the public at large, the dinosaurs go on the lam, hiding in seedy motels under bad pseudonyms like 'John Dodecasaurus' and 'Tommy Rex.' Pursued by a team of government agents led by Leonardo DiCaprio, they soon find themselves lost in world of alcohol, drugs and loose women. Directed by Gary Sherman and starring Wings Hauser as John.

2. Jurassic Park IV: Night of the Giant Iguana. A former priest leads a group of aging women on a tour of Isla Nublar and learns a valuable lesson about his life's failure before being eaten by a pack of hungry velociraptors. Starring Hugh Jackman, Dame Judi Dench, Dame Helen Mirren and Dame Maggie Smith. Directed by Danny Boyle.

3. Jurassic Park IV: Rise of the Iguanadons. When an evil dinosaur threatens to take over the world, it's up to a team of Europasuruses to stop her from turning the world into a frozen wasteland. Animated. With the voice talents of Jude Law, Isla Fisher, Alec Baldwin and Fran Drescher as the Iguanadon. Directed by Don Bluth and produced by Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro.

4. Jurassic Park IV: Lost in Pangaea. A lonely Allosuarus pines for a simpler time when 80's New Wave music ruled the airwaves and size 127 Chucks were available in hot pink. When she's married off to the Rex of Pangaea, Allie realizes how empty her life is and willingly submits to death by meteor. Starring Parker Posey, Steve Carrell, Bill Murray and Kirsten Dunst as Allie. Directed by Sophia Coppola and Christopher Guest.

5. Jurassic Park IV: We Just Don't Care Anymore. Dinosaurs kill everyone and destroy everything. Starring Matthew Broderick; Pierce Brosnan; Helen Hunt; Hank Azaria; Betty White; Ed Asner; Pam Grier; Samuel L. Jackson; Sid Haig; Anne Heche; Woody Harrelson; Jake Gyllenhaal; Harvey Fierstein; Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio and the corpse of Charleton Heston. Directed by Roland Emmerich and Seth MacFarland.

Spielberg's original Jurassic Park is scheduled for a 20th Anniversary (HOLY CRAP!) 3D IMAX re-release later this year. I only hope that Jaffa and Silver have been able to come up with a script worthy of their Apes re-boot that is as excitingly entertaining as David Keopp's adaptation of Chrichton's novel.

More, anon.
Prospero

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Two Very Different Tales of Horror

Jane Levy ("Suburgatory") in The Evil Dead

After five and a half years, regular readers know how much I love Horror Movies and how much I loathe hypocritical homophobes. Yet, they have something very much in common: they're both scary, though in very different ways.

Horror Movies are escapist nonsense, tapping into fear of not just death, but losing control of the circumstances surrounding our lives. Fighting against forces from beyond; escaping and/or killing the homicidal maniac; sending the demon(s) back to hell or beating the devil at his own game allows us a vicarious sense of empowerment. And even when a Horror Movie ends with the villain(s) victorious, we know that when the lights come up in the auditorium at the end we have survived and our own lives are better than the victims of the maniac/demon/ghost/monster that killed all those horny teenagers.

The same can't be said for the hypocritical homophobe. These people are far more insidious than any film monster, gnawing away at the truth like sewer vermin and spewing their own self-loathing in an attempt to feel better about themselves, regardless of the pain and suffering of their targets. Such behavior couldn't be more apparent than what 'Reverand' Joseph Sciambra (who claims to not only be an 'ex-gay' but a former gay 'porn star) has to say in the repellant video (via) posted below (probably NSFW):

Yes, most professional sex-trade workers probably suffer from low self-esteem -- though I personally know of at least one retired adult performer who loved what he did while he was doing it. Still, without the right mindset, porn actors rarely end up as successes in their later lives. But that certainly doesn't mean any one of them gave 'anal birth' to demons. Sciambra (obviously still gay, despite his claims of 'redemption') proves my point with his looney claims. The dangerous notion that one can change sexuality through prayer continues to be one of the leading causes of suicide among young LGBT people who feel guilt at having failed to live up to the ridiculous religious standards set by their families and churches. I can't imagine anything scarier than hating myself just for being who I am.

Personally, I prefer my horror to be gory, gruesome and fictional. I was living in CA when Sam Raimi's The Evil Dead was released in 1981 and my (very liberal) Christian sister called to tell me about the 'scariest movie' she'd ever seen. Of course, I had to go. Imagine my surprise and disappointment at seeing a rather silly, low-budget movie that hardly made any sense at all. It wasn't until Raimi's 1987 satirical sequel that I truly appreciated what he and his brothers were trying to say about the genre. And while I do have a special place in my heart for Army of Darkness, the concept had pretty much been reduced to the equivalent of a Three Stooges haunted house short by the time it was released. Indeed, that was long before "This is my boomstick!" became an internet meme.

Of course, the musical stage version of Evil Dead was nothing short of brilliant and remains on my short list of shows I desperately want to direct:

When it was announced that a reboot was on the way, I joined the haters in denouncing the need for it. But having now seen the red-band trailer for director Fede Alverez's film, I think I have to take back everything I said about it, previously. Given the advances in SFX technology and the support of Raimi and original star (and genre legend) Bruce Campbell, I honestly cannot wait to see the new version of the story. The trailer, in all it's gory glory, is below, though I must caution those who are the least bit squeamish.

I've already scheduled a long-awaited man-date with my friend James, to see the new version. I can't wait!

More, anon.
Prospero

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Ghosts in the Machines

In the late 90's and early Aughts, Japanese Horror (or "J-Horror") was all the rage. Popularized by American adaptions of films like Ringu (The Ring) and Ju-on (The Grudge), these usually bizarre and often nonsensical tales of terror combined ancient Japanese mythology with modern Japanese technology to provide a unique perspective on Japanese culture. The least successful American adaption of these movies (2006's Pulse) came from one the best J-Horrors: 2001's Kairo.

Kudo works at a nursery with her friends Sasano, Toshio and Taguchi. When Taguchi doesn't show up for work for several days, Kudo visits him in his apartment, where he excuses himself to commit suicide in another room. Kudo investigates and finds a computer program which appears to be an "infinity mirror" of Taguchi staring at himself in a computer monitor. Meanwhile, economics student Ryosuke logs onto a new ISP and soon finds that his computer is turning itself on and accessing some very strange websites. Toshio receives a phone call in which the dead Taguchi whispers "Help me." Toshio becomes depressed and eventually ends up disappearing into a black smudge on the wall in the room in which Taguchi hanged himself. Ryosuke enlists his friend, computer expert Harue, to investigate the strange things happening on his computer, but she can find nothing wrong. Eventually, the two story lines collide and people all over Japan start to disappear. Ryosuke and Kudo eventually end up on an apparently abandoned ship headed for South America, though even at sea, they seem unable to escape the inevitable.

Admittedly, Kairo isn't an actioner. The story unfolds at an easy pace and the mysteries build upon one another slowly. Still, director Kiyoshi Kurasawa manages to create loads of atmospheric tension. I watched this film alone, late at night and found myself desperate to see around corners, while terrified at the thought of what I might find there. There are tons of things left unexplained (For example, what's the significance of the red tape they keep finding?) and the end leaves much to be desired - something to do with the afterworld being too full to contain the souls of the dead. But the film manages to touch on tons of subjects relevant to modern anxieties, the least of which is the soullessness of modern technology and the emptiness felt by many of its users. 

By all means avoid the 2006 American remake, which is probably the most boring ghost movie ever made and which bears very little resemblance to the original.

More, anon.
Prospero

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Retro Review: 5 For and 5 Against "Mother's Day"

So, I finally got to see the much talked-about 'remake' of Mother's Day from director Darren Lynn Bousman (Repo: The Genetic Opera) and I first have to say that it resembles Charles Kaufman's 1980 Troma slasher as much as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre resembles Psycho. They may share the same source material, but they are two very different films. And I must admit, Bousman's is the more successful of two. 

A suburban house party is interrupted when three bank-robbing brothers force their way into the home where they grew up, only to discover that their mother doesn't live there anymore. Brother Johnny (Matt O'Learly) has been shot. Brothers Addley (Warren Kole from USA's "Common Law") and Ike (Patrick Fluegler from "The 4400") call Mother to come get them. When Mother and Sister arrive, all hell breaks loose and the movie becomes a story of survival, torture, desperation and revenge. 

It's late and I'm tired, so here's another 5 For/Five Against review, inspired (as always) by my buddy, Sean:

5 For:

1. Rebecca De Mornay, best known for Risky Business and The Hand that Rocks the Cradle, gives a new career-defining performance as Mother. As chilling as she may have been in Cradle, she is absolutely terrifying as a woman who will go to any lengths to protect her children.

2. Shawn Ashmore (X-Men; X2) is practically perfect as George, the doctor forced to attend to a killer and who has perfect insight into Mother's manipulations (on a side note, his twin brother Aaron can be seen on my favorite steampunk SyFy show, "Warehouse 13").

3. Scott Milam's screenplay transforms Kaufman's characters into real life people, as opposed to the cartoonish villains Kaufman gave us in the original.

4. Warren Kole's obviously insane Addley was the antithesis of the character he plays on "Common Law." Kole proves himself an actor who is not afraid to go where he needs to in order to achieve the performance required. Addley is definitely not a guy you want to meet in a dark alley.

5. Bousman manages to create an intense feeling of claustrophobia in what is probably his most artistically successful film to date. Yes, there are plenty of scenes set outside the house where the main action takes place, but the scenes in the house's basement are particularly upsetting and disturbing.

5 Against:

1. The violent torture depicted in the film may be a bit much for some viewers. I was able to distance myself, but some folks may find some scenes too much to handle.

2. Jaime King ("Heart of Dixie") as the film's "final girl" just didn't cut it for me. Her rather one-note performance didn't make Beth a character I wanted to root for.

3. The movie keeps referencing an impending tornado which is threatening the Nebraska town in which the film is set but we never get to see any evidence of such a storm.

4. Stupid cops. A cop arrives at the house and obviously suspects something is wrong, yet he never calls for back up and (SPOILER ALERT) announces his presence without being sure the killer is actually dead.

5. The ending (SPOILER ALERT 2). Characters who should have been dead, survive and pull off a highly improbable kidnapping. 

Overall, I liked the movie. It's one of the better 'Home Invasion' films in recent memory and proves that Bousman is capable of making a film that doesn't rely on weird makeup prosthetics or strange mechanical devices to make an interesting, if very disturbing, film. **1/2 (Two and a Half Out of Four Stars).

More, anon.
Prospero

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Another Remake I Don't Mind

Chloe Grace Moretz as Carrie

I was not quite a High School Freshman when I first read Stephen King's debut novel "Carrie" in 1974 (yes, we've established that I'm old). It was set in 1979, the year I was going to graduate. In my class was a young lady who very much reminded me of Carrie: shy, odd, withdrawn... in the callous way that young teens can be cruel, my friends and I occasionally referred to her as 'Carrie' (I very much regret that, by the way).

When Brian DePalma's amazing film adaptation came out in 1976, I was stunned by not only Sissy Spacek's and Piper Laurie's performances, but also DePalma's direction. I'd never seen a movie like it and I was in awe. I can't even tell you how many times I've seen Carrie since then. Certainly more than a few dozen. And it never fails to move and entertain me. Those split-screen shots are just incredible.

Flash forward 36 years later and director Kimberly Pierce (Boys Don't Cry) is currently shooting a theatrical remake (I don't want to talk about David Carson's 2002 TV remake, which despite a script by Bryan Fuller and good performances by Angela Bettis and Patricia Clarkson, failed on almost every level), starring Chloe Grace Moretz (Let Me In); Julianne Moore (The Kids Are All Right) and the always amazing and underrated Judy Greer. And despite what one of my fellow horror bloggers has to say about her, I think Moretz is one of the finest young actresses working in film today and I can't wait to see what she does with the role. As for for Moore - she's been robbed of awards before (her performance in Far From Heaven is just heartbreaking) and I imagine her take on religious zealot Margaret White will be nothing less than amazing.

DePalma's film, as good as it is, is a little dated and a bit corny (the tuxedo scene always seemed out of place, even way back then) and the TV version is bound by the conventions of the medium. If anyone can pull off a decent remake, it's Pierce, who demonstrated an intense insight into the psyche of an outsider in her first film (which garnered Hillary Swank her first Oscar).

Spacek and Laurie both earned Oscar nominations for their performances in the original, but AMPAS' aversion to Horror as a serious genre kept them from winning. Let's hope that Pierce can work her magic and earn her leads the awards their predecessors deserved.

The original also featured Scream Queen PJ Soles (Halloween); Broadway superstar Betty Buckley; TV superhero William Katt; Steven Spielberg's first wife Amy Irving; DePalma's ex-wife Nancy Allen; brilliant comedienne Edie McClurg and the second film appearance by alleged masseur-groper and avowed Scientologist, John Travolta (he was in a terrible, though iconic little horror movie called The Devil's Rain, previously). What a cast! 

And while I have every confidence that Pierce will deliver a competent and frightening version of King's novel, I doubt she'll be able to top this:

And the less said about the two productions of the stage musical, the better.

More, anon.
Prospero

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